Just thought I'd post the photo of the after of the demolished building and I'm trying to get a mov too.
TTFH*mock salute*
LBL
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Earthquake+building=rubble
Just thought I'd post the photo of the after of the demolished building and I'm trying to get a mov too.
TTFH*mock salute*
LBL
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Post Feb 22 Earthquake
Just a little update to keep you in your seats a little longer. i am currently running on limited Internet access so posts may be few and far between.
To follow up on my previous post, it has not been such a great start to the year, the earthquake that struck on the tuesday 22nd of feb has created unstable living and income situations for many people it christchurch and i am currently 1 among the many. For starters its definitely taken a blow to my study, we had only just started back on the monday before, and i myself did not have my first lecture until the wednesday after, i was however still on campus at the time accompanying my friend to her first lecture on the fifth story of one of the universities buildings. not a fun time i can tell you that much. in the five minutes following the quake i managed to receive a phone call from mum to say that we no longer had a home to go to. the east and west walls of our old christchurch building had collapsed inwards with both mum and dad inside. In a crazy mad dash, both myself and my friend got in the car and drove in gridlocked traffic for 2-3 hours on a quarter of a tank of gas to get to my home. Thankfully everyone was alive, dad managing to get out with only a severely damaged hand after the wall collapsed on top of him, but we were all safe. At this point no one really knew that the earthquake had done any really severe damage, with no phone reception and bumper to nose traffic as the only indication that something was wrong, about 3 hours following we finally found out that the inner city was in ruins. with all bridges except one, damaged beyond use we stayed put until about 6pm that night standing outside our home and then went our separate ways to find suitable accommodation. it was at that point that my friend also found out that her daughter, who was out of town on a school camp, was coming back into the city, and so with the fuel light indicating empty we drove for 3 hours, through flooding, coned off areas, pot holes, ripped up concrete, and bumper to nose traffic, to get to the school to pick her up. the next three days we spent together was in a state of limbo without power water, or fuel, and walking was next to impossible because in a typical christchurch fashion the weather was stinking hot and had turned the silt into dust clouds that you really did not want to be in hailing with the broken sewer lines contributing to the mini volcanoes. It took at least a week for petrol stations and supermarkets to be somewhat regulated and most on the eastern side of the city either opened 1-2weeks following o haven't opened at all due to the damage.
on tuesday the 8th of march our home of 15 years was demolished.
my parents are living in a tent in my uncles back yard, and when im not staying in his utility room, i am bed hopping with friends.
uni has started a new relaunch programme that was made all of my learning online based.
at least once every few days another recognizable building is demolished and turned into another empty space.
both images provided aren't quite an accurate rendition of the damage to our building but when and if i can get some better ones ill be sure to post.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Monday, January 17, 2011
Hello strangers and welcome to the year 2011 we are now fully fledged within the second decade of our second millenium. It has been almost 10 years now since i have posted and i found myself once again thinking of this little corner of the net where i could take a moment for myself and buzz.
Sooo... maybe a little bit of an update yea?
Im just about to start my third year of uni, which is exciting, it means that i will have my degree at the end of this year, despite having an earthquake that shut down the uni library untill feb this year. Yes indeed i am in christchurch new zealand and have some how managed to come out standing after the scale 7 earthquake on september 4 and the scale 5 something on boxing day. my parents home however is another story, one of christchurch's older building wea looking at a lot of cracks and may have to say bubi if another biggie hits, so fingers crossed people!
All up the end of 2010 was not fun, i quit my job due to circumstances i cannot explain, AKA i have no money and this is officially the longest i have been without work since i was 14; mum has been in and out of hospital being tested for cancer; my grandmother passed away in November; and ive moved home to an earthquake damaged building, whoohoo.
It is however, as i said, a new year and decade and its also the beginning of some new resolutions! first of all a little health kick to get the body in order, with a little slim down on the side, second to gain at least B+ in all of my subjects, with a side of research and hard study, third must get drivers license, got the car but whats the point if i cant use it? Lastly, SAVE SOME MONEY!
Well i think that shall be all for now, i shall be in touch soon!
TTFH*mock salute*
LBL
Sooo... maybe a little bit of an update yea?
Im just about to start my third year of uni, which is exciting, it means that i will have my degree at the end of this year, despite having an earthquake that shut down the uni library untill feb this year. Yes indeed i am in christchurch new zealand and have some how managed to come out standing after the scale 7 earthquake on september 4 and the scale 5 something on boxing day. my parents home however is another story, one of christchurch's older building wea looking at a lot of cracks and may have to say bubi if another biggie hits, so fingers crossed people!
All up the end of 2010 was not fun, i quit my job due to circumstances i cannot explain, AKA i have no money and this is officially the longest i have been without work since i was 14; mum has been in and out of hospital being tested for cancer; my grandmother passed away in November; and ive moved home to an earthquake damaged building, whoohoo.
It is however, as i said, a new year and decade and its also the beginning of some new resolutions! first of all a little health kick to get the body in order, with a little slim down on the side, second to gain at least B+ in all of my subjects, with a side of research and hard study, third must get drivers license, got the car but whats the point if i cant use it? Lastly, SAVE SOME MONEY!
Well i think that shall be all for now, i shall be in touch soon!
TTFH*mock salute*
LBL
Friday, May 30, 2008
Interesting
| Career Inventory Test Results
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personality tests by similarminds.com
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Holiday
It is the beginning of a new blog for you an a new entry for another location. so picking up where i left off on my last entry on blogger.com (those who desire to read past entries and future 'private' posts will have to message me for addy, i refuse to do public postings) my rents have just gotten back from being in italy for the past month! So lets rewind shall we and go right back to the beginning of my wonderful journey of living home alone. (bloody boring if you ask me)
The first thursday i had alone, my uncle wound up dragging me around town to all these exclusive night spots to try and get me drunk after shouting me to the fashion show at the contemporary lounge in ballentines (upscale expensive snooty store to those who aren't native, where a top costs 400$) follow through with me hunting down my party animal friend Kim, at shooters. i dont remember a lot of the night but at one point i think i hooked up with some random Irish guy (accent is sooo hot!) all of the bars and clubs closed at 12 because anzac day was the next day and so EVERYONE was pushed out onto the street, and because no one wanted to go home, they stayed on the streets blocking 1am traffic lol! What a night.
Following saturday, watched forest gump for the first time ever and shared a bottle of Midori with Laura. Saturday day we spent two secs at the armageddon convention where i blew 200 bucks on action figures. brilliant i use money like water without parental supervision. after that we spent the rest of the day traipsing around record stores and spending up large.
The in between i have spent working like a crazy person. up until last saturday where i once again went out with Kim, and wound up sober and stalking her boyfriend for the entire night! (to say i had sore feet after that was an UNDERSTATEMENT!) It followed through with tears as they broke up.
My, isn't my life just so wonderfully entertaining?
Seen the Bob Dylan movie 'Im Not There' thought cate blanchett in it was fucking fantastic! Saw IronMan and that wasn't too bad. For the past two and a half weeks i have lost count of how many times i watched Bridget Jones's Diary. The boredom when ones only form of entertainment is missing is astounding.
So anyway mother has brought back a Venetian Mask for me to add to my Labyrinth collection. I love masks! especially the really creepy well made ones, they have such an impact. Dad also bought an authentic antique Nazi Ring, creepy shit man no doubt its brought some sort of bad omen with it. Although i have to say it matches wonderfully with the print we have of Europe's peak in aviation, Hindenburg (Zeppelin), fire, swastika and all. (i would just like to point out that we are not some crazy cult that support or oppose the Nazi Regime, nor do we have some kind of strange fascination with it. we are genuinely interested in authentic pieces of all aspects of history. the print is a one of two part piece done by a reasonably well known artist, and we could not control the fact that we were lumped with he Hindenburg instead of the titanic.)
Drum roll please!
I have finally decided that i am going to try and contact my dads family. Ten bitter years and i have decided to be the better man-er-woman and extend an olive branch of forgiveness and second chances. Whoohoo go me!
... that is all i have to say to you for now.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
The first thursday i had alone, my uncle wound up dragging me around town to all these exclusive night spots to try and get me drunk after shouting me to the fashion show at the contemporary lounge in ballentines (upscale expensive snooty store to those who aren't native, where a top costs 400$) follow through with me hunting down my party animal friend Kim, at shooters. i dont remember a lot of the night but at one point i think i hooked up with some random Irish guy (accent is sooo hot!) all of the bars and clubs closed at 12 because anzac day was the next day and so EVERYONE was pushed out onto the street, and because no one wanted to go home, they stayed on the streets blocking 1am traffic lol! What a night.
Following saturday, watched forest gump for the first time ever and shared a bottle of Midori with Laura. Saturday day we spent two secs at the armageddon convention where i blew 200 bucks on action figures. brilliant i use money like water without parental supervision. after that we spent the rest of the day traipsing around record stores and spending up large.
The in between i have spent working like a crazy person. up until last saturday where i once again went out with Kim, and wound up sober and stalking her boyfriend for the entire night! (to say i had sore feet after that was an UNDERSTATEMENT!) It followed through with tears as they broke up.
My, isn't my life just so wonderfully entertaining?
Seen the Bob Dylan movie 'Im Not There' thought cate blanchett in it was fucking fantastic! Saw IronMan and that wasn't too bad. For the past two and a half weeks i have lost count of how many times i watched Bridget Jones's Diary. The boredom when ones only form of entertainment is missing is astounding.
So anyway mother has brought back a Venetian Mask for me to add to my Labyrinth collection. I love masks! especially the really creepy well made ones, they have such an impact. Dad also bought an authentic antique Nazi Ring, creepy shit man no doubt its brought some sort of bad omen with it. Although i have to say it matches wonderfully with the print we have of Europe's peak in aviation, Hindenburg (Zeppelin), fire, swastika and all. (i would just like to point out that we are not some crazy cult that support or oppose the Nazi Regime, nor do we have some kind of strange fascination with it. we are genuinely interested in authentic pieces of all aspects of history. the print is a one of two part piece done by a reasonably well known artist, and we could not control the fact that we were lumped with he Hindenburg instead of the titanic.)
Drum roll please!
I have finally decided that i am going to try and contact my dads family. Ten bitter years and i have decided to be the better man-er-woman and extend an olive branch of forgiveness and second chances. Whoohoo go me!
... that is all i have to say to you for now.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Split Enz
Hey Hey Hey im back people and im ringing in the new year! No more school can you believe? im still dazed about it! So to give you a little update, im working in fashion, pfft can you imagine? i'm working for a new zealand fashion designer named ANdREA MOORE, maybe you've heard of her maybe you haven't, that works with exclusive womens clothing (for those of my fellow kiwis, we're talking merivale fashion here so everyone is really stuck up. no offence.) so this is the job thats helping me save for uni, and so far the savings hanen't been too bad!
Ok so next on the agenda. IM TURNING 18 IN TWO WEEKS! WHOOHOO ROOTS HERE I COME! (Club people.) As childish as it sounds im having a star wars party because i fell in love with this R2D2 cake i saw on the net! and my mums come up with a variety of star wars cocktails! ok so maybe its not as childish as it is geeky but what the hay your only young, and 18, once, am i correct?
R2D2 CAKE!
ITALY HERE I COME! Third update, i'm buying a house in italy and shall be moving there at the end of this year! Why you ask? besides the small fact that new zealand isn't that exciting, im going to uni in europe. so the full low down. I have IRISH citizenship, (well i will have once i get my ass into gear and apply for it.) because my dad is irish and moved over here with his family in his teens so im eligable, but. this is not enough, in order for me to get into uni in the EU on my irish citizensh i have to heve lived in the EEA for three years prior. So im moving to italy (mums favourite place) where the 'rents will be buying a holiday home for them part time and me full time, untill i find a place for me. Voila i work for three years and do some travel and i have uni paid for by the time a get around to going. Why go to uni in the EU? I shall be studying Arts and History along with branching aspects such as mythology, so why not study where it all began!
As the title of this entry implies, i am going to Split Enz tomorrow as a birthday present from my duch friend laura, which is an up! the down is that im missing ROCK2WGTN which is a 2day rock concert including most of the rock gods who haven't been to New Zealand in 30 YEAR! such as KISS, ALICE COOPER, OZZY, WHITESNAKE, POISON! I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT AND NOW IM MISSING IT!... owell at least it isn't bowie otherwise i might have died! Split Enz should be good though and i have to see at least one new zealand band before i blow this pop stand.
Ok exciting details are out of the way. Update on love life, there isn't one, and i am officially over my blubbering moments. i no longer speak to my ex, i do talk to the ex broken heart, and im on the prowl. been looking at older more mature males, (naughty alice) *shifty eyes* especially a guy i used to work with and now see on a daily basis, BECAUSE HE WORKS NEXT DOOR TO ME! hes late twenties but hey i dont care. he takes the piss out of me i take the piss out of him, i give him free tickets for RDU (radio station) gigs (because i get them free) and he gives me coffee, (the best coffee i might add!) but alas i doubt its ment to be. *sigh*...
I think i should stop now or i might not have enough to right about next time, so...
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Ok so next on the agenda. IM TURNING 18 IN TWO WEEKS! WHOOHOO ROOTS HERE I COME! (Club people.) As childish as it sounds im having a star wars party because i fell in love with this R2D2 cake i saw on the net! and my mums come up with a variety of star wars cocktails! ok so maybe its not as childish as it is geeky but what the hay your only young, and 18, once, am i correct?
R2D2 CAKE!
ITALY HERE I COME! Third update, i'm buying a house in italy and shall be moving there at the end of this year! Why you ask? besides the small fact that new zealand isn't that exciting, im going to uni in europe. so the full low down. I have IRISH citizenship, (well i will have once i get my ass into gear and apply for it.) because my dad is irish and moved over here with his family in his teens so im eligable, but. this is not enough, in order for me to get into uni in the EU on my irish citizensh i have to heve lived in the EEA for three years prior. So im moving to italy (mums favourite place) where the 'rents will be buying a holiday home for them part time and me full time, untill i find a place for me. Voila i work for three years and do some travel and i have uni paid for by the time a get around to going. Why go to uni in the EU? I shall be studying Arts and History along with branching aspects such as mythology, so why not study where it all began!
As the title of this entry implies, i am going to Split Enz tomorrow as a birthday present from my duch friend laura, which is an up! the down is that im missing ROCK2WGTN which is a 2day rock concert including most of the rock gods who haven't been to New Zealand in 30 YEAR! such as KISS, ALICE COOPER, OZZY, WHITESNAKE, POISON! I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT AND NOW IM MISSING IT!... owell at least it isn't bowie otherwise i might have died! Split Enz should be good though and i have to see at least one new zealand band before i blow this pop stand.
Ok exciting details are out of the way. Update on love life, there isn't one, and i am officially over my blubbering moments. i no longer speak to my ex, i do talk to the ex broken heart, and im on the prowl. been looking at older more mature males, (naughty alice) *shifty eyes* especially a guy i used to work with and now see on a daily basis, BECAUSE HE WORKS NEXT DOOR TO ME! hes late twenties but hey i dont care. he takes the piss out of me i take the piss out of him, i give him free tickets for RDU (radio station) gigs (because i get them free) and he gives me coffee, (the best coffee i might add!) but alas i doubt its ment to be. *sigh*...
I think i should stop now or i might not have enough to right about next time, so...
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Friday, November 2, 2007
IM BACK
Hey all my precious viewers its been a while aye! Sorry to have abandoned you all for so long but life took a turn around the roller coaster and chaos hit in the form of school work. Thats right i have just under three weeks and i finish school for good! can you believe it? i sure cant haha. so the big question is... where to now, well im glad you asked because i have no clue i was hoping you could fill me in lol. well actually first there is cambodia, which is in five wonderful weeks, and everyone is getting cheap junk for christmas. oh and i lost my job too, im getting replace just before i go which is a bit of a bummer. anyway gtg ill brb. lots of love!
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Monday, September 17, 2007
Train
I've been really cut deep and it hurts, I dont know how to react. I feel almost used in a sense but i know that its my fault, as it always is... As you go through life you start on a train moving from carrige to carrige meeting people and socialising, there are those who you say good bye to as they disembark, there are those who take the journey with you, and then there are those who you leave behind, or rather they leave you behind as you journey on. I have to wonder what it is that makes us seek out companions who will leave us behind or vice versa... Are we really an entity that thrives on the pain of starvation. You can never forget those whom you encounter. You alway bare their mark.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Grandad? Kennith
i am meeting my grandfather on my mothers side right now, for the first time in 17 and a half years... i want to rudely ask what it is that he really wants and expects. neither my cousin nor i are very impressed either way, hence why i happen to be writing this instead of trying to play happy families. i dont tolerate the grand parents i have met, i highly doubt my view will change for a man to took off long before i was born. its a load of bullshit as far as im concerned, and he shall forever remain a stranger to me. which is actually quite sad when you think about it...
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Saturday, August 25, 2007
hate is such a strong word
i have officially decided that i hate everyone (excluding certain people) and cannot wait until i leave this hell hole. in doing so i can bury that which is my past, so all who know me be prepared to march to your graves so that you can be submerged in so many hundred thousand kilometers of dirt and sea etc etc... well hows that for a downer moment? my problem is that i can never seem to forget people and its really starting to irk me because there are just so fucking many of them.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Conversation
Mwa Mwa Mwaaa... Im back *clucks tongue* sorry my bunnies i've been away for so long, but life isn't very interesting at the moment. I've stopped talking to people i know, and somehow have managed to drag a few strangers up from the past. People you've never met always appear much more interesting, wouldn't you agree? I guess its probably because getting to know them is so much fun. *clucks tongue* im so bored... i need another stimulating conversationalist to keep me entertained, if not so i can use the texts that i've got wasting away. 20$ a grand total of 4000 texts a month, getting flushed down the toilet when such money can be put to better use. anyway... i dano lol im off to go find that conversation, maybe there is something on bebo haha bubi.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Motive
Let me ask you something, do i honestly look like i give a flying rats ass at the moment about what your bloody problem is? so for all those fucking bastards out there, for all of whom i have some very selective words, take a hint, FUCK OFF! god your a male too so you can take the hint as-well! For once i would really fucking like it if my motives weren't questioned. it is always, why? why? why? why? tell me! why wont you tell me?! ITS BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO! or you know what? i really just dont know therefore there is no reason! and it is because of these two reasons that, people just dont seem to grasp, they decide to get shitty and fuck off, and then shock fucking horror-its my fault! shall i hammer that point home?! ITS ALWAYS MY FUCKING FAULT. no never mind if alice is dead on her feet or there has been some fuck up in her life, she has motives to be an evil conniving bitch so its her fault, of course it is... im a user apparently too, so we'll just add that to the bottom of the impossibly long list that i already have, like i said i have 'motives.'...ok how the fuck does someone come up with that kind of bullshit? if someone has evidence im willing to surrender to that part of my list but if not im holding firm.
Ok ok ok so the positives? Um...anything? nope? nothing!
Ok ok ok so the positives? Um...anything? nope? nothing!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Who am i to say - Hope
Who am i to say - Hope
Love of my life, my soul-mate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left
I don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come & gone
Don't know why I'm still searching
Don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
Hmmm hmmm mmm
Uhhh oohhh aahhh
Hooo aahhh ohh ohhh
Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
And that's okay with me
But who am I to say you love me
And who am I to say you need me
And who am I to say you love me
Mmmm Hmmm
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
This is my favorite song at the moment. I've been listening to it on repeat ever since i heard it on the amv i previously posted. I know im a noob haha, and a really sucker for tragedy especially when it comes to romance. XD probably has something to do with the entry where i mentioned that only true love ever ends in tragedy, yet i guess thats what makes it so beautiful. the most amazing things in life are the things that dont survive, because they've struggled to live, to survive, but in the end its all tragedy, making it truly admirable. True beauty.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Love of my life, my soul-mate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left
I don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come & gone
Don't know why I'm still searching
Don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
Hmmm hmmm mmm
Uhhh oohhh aahhh
Hooo aahhh ohh ohhh
Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
And that's okay with me
But who am I to say you love me
And who am I to say you need me
And who am I to say you love me
Mmmm Hmmm
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
This is my favorite song at the moment. I've been listening to it on repeat ever since i heard it on the amv i previously posted. I know im a noob haha, and a really sucker for tragedy especially when it comes to romance. XD probably has something to do with the entry where i mentioned that only true love ever ends in tragedy, yet i guess thats what makes it so beautiful. the most amazing things in life are the things that dont survive, because they've struggled to live, to survive, but in the end its all tragedy, making it truly admirable. True beauty.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Bebo File
They say that the first sign of insanity is when one starts to talk to them-self, if thats so then i have reached a point beyond the insane.
Im as close as personal train wreck can get in a bottle. You know those people who put the world on their shoulders when in fact their shoulders are to small, and they bottle up emotion because they 'dont believe in it.' Yea you know them, im one of them, it has me written and stamped all over the bottle thats half way to china.
As my name suggests, i am infact a jester to the world. I have many masks, all used to support and entertain all who surround me. I live to keep the smiles on my friends faces, but not my own, which is obviously where the masks come into play. What mask will i be wearing around you?
Im as close as personal train wreck can get in a bottle. You know those people who put the world on their shoulders when in fact their shoulders are to small, and they bottle up emotion because they 'dont believe in it.' Yea you know them, im one of them, it has me written and stamped all over the bottle thats half way to china.
As my name suggests, i am infact a jester to the world. I have many masks, all used to support and entertain all who surround me. I live to keep the smiles on my friends faces, but not my own, which is obviously where the masks come into play. What mask will i be wearing around you?
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Me?
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. How true these famous words are to those who brave the fear of love itself. Yet can anyone truely say that they have loved so purely to accept love in return? i can not aswer such a question myself, but i find it hard to believe as love like this usually ends in tragedy...a glimps would only be a dream.
have you ever spent hours worrying over some little thing, until the point where you wanted to cry...yet couldnt? no matter how hard you tried the tears wouldnt fall, and in the end you were stuck in constant suffering because you couldnt find competion. walls prevent tears, even if they are shattered...you forget how to cry, all for the sake of composure and pride, but even when there is none of this left one still can not step past old habbits. i am one such person. i have cried for one reason and for one person only. never for anyone or anything else. saying so will destroy what shreads are left of my pride, as of now there is nothing left of what once was. the jester has gone - the mask has been broken, here i stand. this is the alice no one ever knew.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
have you ever spent hours worrying over some little thing, until the point where you wanted to cry...yet couldnt? no matter how hard you tried the tears wouldnt fall, and in the end you were stuck in constant suffering because you couldnt find competion. walls prevent tears, even if they are shattered...you forget how to cry, all for the sake of composure and pride, but even when there is none of this left one still can not step past old habbits. i am one such person. i have cried for one reason and for one person only. never for anyone or anything else. saying so will destroy what shreads are left of my pride, as of now there is nothing left of what once was. the jester has gone - the mask has been broken, here i stand. this is the alice no one ever knew.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Shield
Just got back from the guns and roses concert! it was fucking awesome as i can no longer hear or talk haha. me and my mate were in the stands with a bunch of old fogies so we had to yell load enough for the rest of them. great concert, but i thought the rolling stones were better.
On to the real topic. ive wanted to smash my phone at least twice today, and i was tempted to throw it into the crowd at the concert too. i find myself constantly getting more frustrated everyday. weather it be at myself, another person, or an inanimate object, i can not seem to keep myself together and composed. its like i've reached a limit, but one that i can not identify. right now at best i can be described as trying to embrace a rose bush because it seems so beautiful, in the end you will only get hurt, for all i appear to be right now its thorns. the glass has shattered, and rains a sea of shards. i no longer have a shield, for the wound was deep as it cracked the surface of the breast plate that defended my pride. in my mind i see a child who has lost everything that she had held dear to her heart, i see her in darkness. she cant find the light. yet where as she searches for the lamp to lead the way, i remain stationary, cloaked in a blanket of strangled emotions that i can not decipher. i am nothing with out the wall that once protected me. i am nothing without myself. i am nothing but shattered glass.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
On to the real topic. ive wanted to smash my phone at least twice today, and i was tempted to throw it into the crowd at the concert too. i find myself constantly getting more frustrated everyday. weather it be at myself, another person, or an inanimate object, i can not seem to keep myself together and composed. its like i've reached a limit, but one that i can not identify. right now at best i can be described as trying to embrace a rose bush because it seems so beautiful, in the end you will only get hurt, for all i appear to be right now its thorns. the glass has shattered, and rains a sea of shards. i no longer have a shield, for the wound was deep as it cracked the surface of the breast plate that defended my pride. in my mind i see a child who has lost everything that she had held dear to her heart, i see her in darkness. she cant find the light. yet where as she searches for the lamp to lead the way, i remain stationary, cloaked in a blanket of strangled emotions that i can not decipher. i am nothing with out the wall that once protected me. i am nothing without myself. i am nothing but shattered glass.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Lost
i have no idea what to think about the last...24 hours, should i be jumping for joy that i've finally gotten something off my chest at the expense of an-others feelings, or should i feel horrible because of this little fact? maybe we should try out the latter, because even if i have managed to get my little blog out into the open, i have compromised a possibly blooming relationship, and thats why i stayed quiet about it in the first place. Me, forcing my way into the middle, i really dont like being the wedge, or the little nagging thought in the back of someone else's mind. im supposed to be invisible. i dont want to be considered in any combination of possible answers because that usually causes suffering for the person who takes me into consideration. trust me i know, its what i stupidly pride myself in doing. that would be a reason that there are walls to begin with, others cant hurt me and i cant hurt others. no ink on the paper is easier to take in to consideration in comparison to spilt ink, because then it is non existent, there is nothing to consider it.
love is a two way street. you can either be hurt by it or you can gain happiness from it. i accept where i am now and weather i hurt or not isn't an issue so long as the one i feel strongly for is happy. i shall stand on the sidelines and continue to do so as my life passes me by. i gladly take the path that has been lain before me.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
love is a two way street. you can either be hurt by it or you can gain happiness from it. i accept where i am now and weather i hurt or not isn't an issue so long as the one i feel strongly for is happy. i shall stand on the sidelines and continue to do so as my life passes me by. i gladly take the path that has been lain before me.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Thursday, June 28, 2007
i have decided i dont like how this web page isn't a continual stream of my entries, owel i might check it out later. so five and a half hours sleep an, entire art history essay, three character compilations, and a cup off coffee later i am still functioning at a reasonably normal rate. miracle? i think not, im wonder woman...or maybe not. my hands are horrible after that essay though, i might have to consider meds this winter which sucks absolute ass, but what can i do? could just cut them off lol. or maybe not. 10:34 and counting, till my god damned anime loads and untill the hols, i cant seem to figure out which will come first...and it looks like more people got this blog addy then i relised when i posted it on bebo for the day. im doomed! bloody leeches ah but what can i do? nothing? sound bloody fantastic i think. found an awesome tshirt today aswell that i must order, not many will get it but it has an arrow pointing left and it says uke! i thought it was fucking great and another one was 'yaoi-my anti drug', you've got to love the people who come up with these things aye..
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Balance
i've never really thought that life was easy, you had to fight in order to survive and in todays society that means working. i could dive into a forty plus hour a week job and not complain, because as far as i knew it was survival. but when it comes to survival of any other kind i feel myself struggling to over come it. throw me something, anything, will i take it on the chin? or will i let it hit me below the belt? i can answer that, sometimes, for those who do not know, but there are some of you who can answer that question on your own. you know me to well... it is usually these people who try to test the limit, they know better yet they choose the other path, because they know it hurts. maybe im just weak, i wouldn't know, i dont see myself how others see me. i can say that everyone has a limit to the pain they can endure, i know that i haven't reached mine but that doesn't mean to say i havnt seen it. enduring your suffering can either make you stronger or it can ware you down, i just haven't figured out which yet...
balance is the middle ground, with out it there is only chaos.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
balance is the middle ground, with out it there is only chaos.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Friday, June 22, 2007
Jester
IM BACK! first time ive been happy in ages aye! i found my jester and she stuck for quite a while today...im happy.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Fuck?
I have had a constant head ache all day, the kind that subtly puts pressure on your brain and feels like your heart is thumping in you head. So anyway today was pretty much one big fuck up, a little bit of fighting and a little bit of yelling, drew some chibis in art hist and then locked myself in my room. yay...For fake sake what have i got to whine about? my life should be a breeze to most people. fuck i need to toughen up. i just want to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment, god damn me and my stupid fanfiction!!! so anyways...
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Fight
...Everyone is slamming doors and yelling at each other, my nana is even swearing, my aunty has run out the door...lucky dads not home to start swearing about the windows breaking with all the door banging. well our house is cheerful this morning.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Um... Pet?
well im going through my pet name phase not that anyone needed to know that... Bunny, Dragon, Funny Black Guy... Its a sign that the insanity is getting worse and im really starting to loose it, and in the process i appear to be driving everyone else crazy because they all HATE ME FOR IT! Hmm i need to go find some of nanas sleeping pills and like NEVER wake up, - i've heard that they are strong enough to put an elephant off lol,- its kind of hard to believe that i would require sleeping pills as i have been so tired lately that i should fall over sleeping, but sadly that is not the case as my mind is working at a mile a minute at the moment so even when i want to sleep, I CANT! aside from that...um we will just skip that line of thought...instead we shall quote a line by Jacques Prevert, 'Millions and millions of years would still not give me half enough time to describe that tiny instant of all eternity when you put your arms around me and I put my arms around you.'...if i truly did believe in them then i would believe that it would take a life time to explain a feeling...
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Convo
Just thought i should clear somethings up...
“It kind of took me till now to realize that I gave my heart away a long time ago with out realizing, and I never got it back, at least not all of it. So anyway its one of these people who kept bugging me for however long, I cant remember, I tried so fucking hard to keep them at a distance that at some point they got too close. They became forever and without thinking I gave them my heart.” - Are the same person and its Cody. It took me so long to realize is because we’ve been like on and off joined at the hip for so long that when I got together with Daniel and did the on off thing again to find out he moved on it kind of hit me on the head. I really took things for granted I guess it’s my own fault
- U see now that’s not true... its not ur fault
Yea it is... you would have to know the whole history to understand and I cant be bothered typing it out lol, I might tell you the whole story tomorrow
- Ok... but I still don’t think its ur fault
Meh... me and Cody met about 2-3 years ago via a friend of his that gave him my number, and we hit it off like that, same interests and I found it really easy to talk to him, kinda like you I guess, if I closed up he would keep at me and get me to open up until it because so natural to talk to him I didn’t think twice about what I said because I no longer cared and neither did he, we got together the first time a couple of months after we first met and were an official couple for all of about a month before my mate decided that they really didn’t like him and the pressure go to me and we wound up separating, remaining friends but I clamed up again and wound up trying to shut him out, and so began the on and off again stages, we would be ok for a while then I wouldn’t want to say something so he would get shitty and push and pry and I would get upset and angry and be a big bitchy and then we wouldn’t talk for a coup[le of days then we would be ok again and the cycle continues. it prob sounds horrible but I enjoyed all of the time I spent with him even the bad times, and we were pretty ok and getting better until I hooked up with Daniel and we completely stopped talking for almost three months. it was like the biggest relief to talk to him again but it really hurt to learn that he had moved on...I never told him I loved him because I never really believed in it but he always told me he loved me and I guess that hit something in me so when I learnt he had another girl it kind of hurt but I couldn’t really expect him to wait forever so I guess im still kinda happy for him. meh so there you have it.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
“It kind of took me till now to realize that I gave my heart away a long time ago with out realizing, and I never got it back, at least not all of it. So anyway its one of these people who kept bugging me for however long, I cant remember, I tried so fucking hard to keep them at a distance that at some point they got too close. They became forever and without thinking I gave them my heart.” - Are the same person and its Cody. It took me so long to realize is because we’ve been like on and off joined at the hip for so long that when I got together with Daniel and did the on off thing again to find out he moved on it kind of hit me on the head. I really took things for granted I guess it’s my own fault
- U see now that’s not true... its not ur fault
Yea it is... you would have to know the whole history to understand and I cant be bothered typing it out lol, I might tell you the whole story tomorrow
- Ok... but I still don’t think its ur fault
Meh... me and Cody met about 2-3 years ago via a friend of his that gave him my number, and we hit it off like that, same interests and I found it really easy to talk to him, kinda like you I guess, if I closed up he would keep at me and get me to open up until it because so natural to talk to him I didn’t think twice about what I said because I no longer cared and neither did he, we got together the first time a couple of months after we first met and were an official couple for all of about a month before my mate decided that they really didn’t like him and the pressure go to me and we wound up separating, remaining friends but I clamed up again and wound up trying to shut him out, and so began the on and off again stages, we would be ok for a while then I wouldn’t want to say something so he would get shitty and push and pry and I would get upset and angry and be a big bitchy and then we wouldn’t talk for a coup[le of days then we would be ok again and the cycle continues. it prob sounds horrible but I enjoyed all of the time I spent with him even the bad times, and we were pretty ok and getting better until I hooked up with Daniel and we completely stopped talking for almost three months. it was like the biggest relief to talk to him again but it really hurt to learn that he had moved on...I never told him I loved him because I never really believed in it but he always told me he loved me and I guess that hit something in me so when I learnt he had another girl it kind of hurt but I couldn’t really expect him to wait forever so I guess im still kinda happy for him. meh so there you have it.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Monday, June 18, 2007
Bunny?
Hello my lovely bunnies how are you this fine morn-evening? I am officially on the equivalent of a drug induced high, -no its not what you think, i dont do drugs in any way shape or form,- i am so sleep deprived that im running on brain power at the moment which is a bloody miracle as i have had NO COFFEE IN THE LAST WEEK! Although it is beginning to wear me down, i almost cried in class today, can you believe that? but please do keep in mind i said ALMOST! so anyway my eyes are trying to glue themselves shut, my cat has her ass in my face and im trying to get through the next two weeks of school to hand in three projects, oh the joy. so how are my bunnies lives at present? good? bad? ok then have fun, and dont do anything i wouldn't do. AHAHAHAHAHAHA IM WRITING IN MY BLOG! god im an idiot x2...i need coffee...the cat has taken over my bed, i guess im sleeping on the couch tonight. I need a job too...note to self... i think i need to start carrying around a journal, diary-thing too because this emotional crap is getting to me, before you know it ill be back with a councilor discussing my 'anger' issues, because i will once again be taking it out on myself or some 'poor' teacher...need coffee... it appears i spout some random stuff with lack of sleep. meh soo... fuck it im off i cant think straight...
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Saturday, June 16, 2007
BAKA!
I think i have officially been dubbed the biggest idiot on all of the earth, just when i think im getting somewhere by having my blog open to the public i make it a private web address so that i am once again solving my own problems... but for what i am about to say i can not risk others seeing as it may wind up hurting a lot of people, who am i kidding, it will wind up hurting a lot of people. HAHA half way though writing this i have been convinced to edit the settings so that it is still viewable to certain people, though that doesn't change the fact that word can indeed travel by mouth and in this case it is indeed possible to reach the ears of people who i dont want to know what im thinking. Two people who are great to me in every possible way but i can never fulfill their desires... it kind of took me till now to realize that i gave my heart away a long time ago with out realizing, and i never got it back, at least not all of it, and so i cant make either of these people happy even if i wanted to. i tried to go through life without showing emotion, without getting attached because it might possibly mean that i might loose them and get hurt again, just like i did with stephen, my dad, and in doing so i put myself in the exact position to hurt myself. i tried so hard to keep people away but there are some that wont leave me alone or i let slip through the barriers because i think, 'you know maybe this time it will be different because i dont want to be an ice queen forever.' Those who i let through i wind up keeping the distance because i can control them or what happens in any situation and in the end i cant handle it so i push them further away, but those who wont go away continue to push at me until i unwillingly let them through the barrier, and there it is that they stay, forever. so anyway its one of these people who kept bugging me for however long, i cant remember, i tried so fucking hard to keep them at a distance that at some point they got too close. they became forever and without thinking i gave them my heart. god i am sounding so fucking cliche right now i want to go torch myself! you know the stupid little amv with the song talking about love and how i mentioned that it meant something to me... it means quite literally that i have lost my heart to the one person i didn't want to give it to and have in turn lost them forever. whats funny is that i never realized what i had until i lost it, another cliche they just dont seem to stop coming, and now its too late.
the likelihood that i will blog again is slim to none as i am about to lock myself up so tight that nothing shall slip my guard, as i once wanted it before this whole fiasco began.
*mock bow*
LBL
the likelihood that i will blog again is slim to none as i am about to lock myself up so tight that nothing shall slip my guard, as i once wanted it before this whole fiasco began.
*mock bow*
LBL
Thursday, June 14, 2007
DAILY PLANNER
*shifty eyes* ... im not sure if i should be bouncing right now or not, on the one hand im single again, and on the other i feel like ive had my heart ripped out and handed to me on a side platter. though the stupid thing is, is that i cant remember where my heart went in the first place...HAHA im going mental, i never had a heart to begin with! meh oh well moving on to other things... life, sucks. i have officially decided that i need to spend more of my time on a set schedule so look out life, alice is back-WITH A DAILY PLANNER!
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Emotion
i think frustration is my most common emotion at the moment, -haha there is that word again, i actually got called an emo today as ive been on emotional roller-coaster for the past couple of days.- so why frustration? i have always been the person who solves the problems people present me with and i enjoy helping out in any way i can, -i live to please people what can i say?- but once again i have worked myself into a situation blindly, and it appears to be one i can not solve. i have never really dealt with relationships well as it requires trust, -i dont trust anyone,- and i find myself in a position that i want to get out of once again because i am required to do so. it is because of this that i am beginning to hurt a lot of people... i want to end the relationship in order to solve the strain that it is putting on me and to stop inflicting pain on at least one person, yet in order to do so i am required to confront this person, and i am really not comfortable with that. -by the way i happened to go off my nut about this person when i was going through my angry mode, and i would really like to apologize for that, this person really isn't a prick, i just dont tend to deal with things really well.- so its kind of having a domino effect, i get upset because i cant fulfill the requirements of a functional relationship which in turn puts strain on the other party and those on the side lines which in turn makes someone what to kill everyone in my honor. aside from that i have a few other people that i need to take into consideration as the separation will have an effect on them, two people that are really great but i can not follow through with what they ask of me as it will create an even greater domino effect but i wont elaborate on that.
so now can you understand why im frustrated? im like a walking disaster.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
so now can you understand why im frustrated? im like a walking disaster.
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Owen
i suppose i never really understood the concept of emotions except for those i was familiar with, AKA fear and suffering, you know i was seven when my dad died and i didn't cry until when everyone was stufing their faces at the after gathering and i was in my room. I understood the concept of death, i still do, but i refused to show weakness even when everyone else did, haha imagine that a seven year old who doesn't cry at seeing her fathers corpse...not a thought that comes to mind really. After that i went through life normally never thinking about it, i was minus one family member, who really cares? i had a step dad since i was two so i didnt understand the concept of a single parent, just the idea of more family. i think it was about a year after my fathers death that his family abandoned me, i guess they didnt want a bastard grandchild and niece when their son and brother was gone, and i can live with that, really, i can understand the idea of having something when it reminds you of what you have lost. even if its about that, i wouldn't know. i think it took me untill i was ten to realize that i wasn't wanted anymore by those i loved most, and i think it was about then that the emotion no longer existed for me as as well. i began to resent those who left me and every year on my birthday, christmas, and the anniversary of my fathers death i would cry for what was out of my grasp. at about 14 i started to receive mail and i was so overwhelmed about it i tried contacting my grand parents, no reply, and then i found out that im only getting these letters because my mum contacted one of my aunts and told them to do it. i have to keep myself from burning the cards every year, i dont care anymore but why should i keep something that isn't sincere?
i may not have cried for my father but that doesn't mean that he didnt mean anything to me because he did, he was everything...i may not care about my current situation but that doesn't mean to say that it isn't hard. I have grown up and come to terms with that small part of my past. now i cry for what i have lost.
AN-Please note that none of this should be taken into accout seriously. i needed a moment to blerb and this is where i found myself.-
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
i may not have cried for my father but that doesn't mean that he didnt mean anything to me because he did, he was everything...i may not care about my current situation but that doesn't mean to say that it isn't hard. I have grown up and come to terms with that small part of my past. now i cry for what i have lost.
AN-Please note that none of this should be taken into accout seriously. i needed a moment to blerb and this is where i found myself.-
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Monday, June 11, 2007
Feel
I found this on one of my mates bebo profiles and thought it was awesome...i love this song and for some reason i find myself wanting to cry everytime i listen to it, yet i have no idea what it is, or rather who its is, that i am yearning for. anyway i thought it was a simple but well made flash that i would like to share. lol im starting to sound so cliche its not really that funny, but i guess when you have isolated yourself for so long you tend to seek for things you dont understand...
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
TTFN*mock salute*
LBL
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
How to Cope
k then lets see...I want to tare my hair out and scream for all its worth, im seriously not coping here. Ok well my mind might be because its spouting soothing bullshit that allows me to make things seem ok I suppose, (HAHAHA clue people this is my new phrase I use to subtly say NO IM NOT ALRIGHT!) haha and what’s worse I just realized that my boyfriend is a royal fucking prick who doesn’t listen to me and just wants to get into my pants, -but we never spend any time together, *que time alone* Alice can I ask for a favour. - NO! Alright get a clue I don’t want to suck your god damned dick, although I would like to go to sleep and never wake up, but can I do that? Nooo! So anyway lets go through all who affect my life in order of those who annoy me the most.
1. Fucking prick lets not talk about him right now.
2. K they are a great person to have an argument with, when they are on your side, but other then that its like going head to head with a dragon and I only just realized this. I think it maybe due to the fact that they always clash with number one on a regular bases, and they say that opposites don’t attract. I swear to god though, im sick and so fucking tyred of listening to them ramble on about who they hate now and why, for fucks sake get a life as not everyone like to have horrible things so bluntly pointed out to them.
3. Back stabber anyone? This person is a truly great person, when you’re with the rest of the group, but when you get them on their own they really are two faced. It probably doesn’t help that they are bi and likes to weird everyone out with comments. Deep down they really are just searching for companionship.
4. This person likes to make my life really complicated at the moment but we shall keep this information for another time shall we? Can’t risk a confrontation.
5. And 6. Are non-existent at the moment, as they have completely abandoned me! One is ditching me for Auckland where the other has emersed themself in drugs. God that’s going to be a big problem to come to terms with and fix. Friends forever what bull shit...
7. This person is a nutty tart and I don’t really have a lot to say except that im glad to have met them, they are a great laugh.
8. Can you say old flame? I'm so happy that I’ve managed to pull my head out of my ass in order to talk to them again. I missed them heaps and now that I have their voice of reason back im happier then I’ve been in a while. Their protectiveness of me is a comfort and I truly welcome it like a drug...note to self must be careful as all areas are off limits!
9. Final person, what can I say but one word. SAVIOUR! LOVE YOU LOTS...-im here for you too! -
AN-Only certain people should take into account what is written here.
1. Fucking prick lets not talk about him right now.
2. K they are a great person to have an argument with, when they are on your side, but other then that its like going head to head with a dragon and I only just realized this. I think it maybe due to the fact that they always clash with number one on a regular bases, and they say that opposites don’t attract. I swear to god though, im sick and so fucking tyred of listening to them ramble on about who they hate now and why, for fucks sake get a life as not everyone like to have horrible things so bluntly pointed out to them.
3. Back stabber anyone? This person is a truly great person, when you’re with the rest of the group, but when you get them on their own they really are two faced. It probably doesn’t help that they are bi and likes to weird everyone out with comments. Deep down they really are just searching for companionship.
4. This person likes to make my life really complicated at the moment but we shall keep this information for another time shall we? Can’t risk a confrontation.
5. And 6. Are non-existent at the moment, as they have completely abandoned me! One is ditching me for Auckland where the other has emersed themself in drugs. God that’s going to be a big problem to come to terms with and fix. Friends forever what bull shit...
7. This person is a nutty tart and I don’t really have a lot to say except that im glad to have met them, they are a great laugh.
8. Can you say old flame? I'm so happy that I’ve managed to pull my head out of my ass in order to talk to them again. I missed them heaps and now that I have their voice of reason back im happier then I’ve been in a while. Their protectiveness of me is a comfort and I truly welcome it like a drug...note to self must be careful as all areas are off limits!
9. Final person, what can I say but one word. SAVIOUR! LOVE YOU LOTS...-im here for you too! -
AN-Only certain people should take into account what is written here.
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