BAKA!

I think i have officially been dubbed the biggest idiot on all of the earth, just when i think im getting somewhere by having my blog open to the public i make it a private web address so that i am once again solving my own problems... but for what i am about to say i can not risk others seeing as it may wind up hurting a lot of people, who am i kidding, it will wind up hurting a lot of people. HAHA half way though writing this i have been convinced to edit the settings so that it is still viewable to certain people, though that doesn't change the fact that word can indeed travel by mouth and in this case it is indeed possible to reach the ears of people who i dont want to know what im thinking. Two people who are great to me in every possible way but i can never fulfill their desires... it kind of took me till now to realize that i gave my heart away a long time ago with out realizing, and i never got it back, at least not all of it, and so i cant make either of these people happy even if i wanted to. i tried to go through life without showing emotion, without getting attached because it might possibly mean that i might loose them and get hurt again, just like i did with stephen, my dad, and in doing so i put myself in the exact position to hurt myself. i tried so hard to keep people away but there are some that wont leave me alone or i let slip through the barriers because i think, 'you know maybe this time it will be different because i dont want to be an ice queen forever.' Those who i let through i wind up keeping the distance because i can control them or what happens in any situation and in the end i cant handle it so i push them further away, but those who wont go away continue to push at me until i unwillingly let them through the barrier, and there it is that they stay, forever. so anyway its one of these people who kept bugging me for however long, i cant remember, i tried so fucking hard to keep them at a distance that at some point they got too close. they became forever and without thinking i gave them my heart. god i am sounding so fucking cliche right now i want to go torch myself! you know the stupid little amv with the song talking about love and how i mentioned that it meant something to me... it means quite literally that i have lost my heart to the one person i didn't want to give it to and have in turn lost them forever. whats funny is that i never realized what i had until i lost it, another cliche they just dont seem to stop coming, and now its too late.

the likelihood that i will blog again is slim to none as i am about to lock myself up so tight that nothing shall slip my guard, as i once wanted it before this whole fiasco began.

*mock bow*
LBL