i have decided i dont like how this web page isn't a continual stream of my entries, owel i might check it out later. so five and a half hours sleep an, entire art history essay, three character compilations, and a cup off coffee later i am still functioning at a reasonably normal rate. miracle? i think not, im wonder woman...or maybe not. my hands are horrible after that essay though, i might have to consider meds this winter which sucks absolute ass, but what can i do? could just cut them off lol. or maybe not. 10:34 and counting, till my god damned anime loads and untill the hols, i cant seem to figure out which will come first...and it looks like more people got this blog addy then i relised when i posted it on bebo for the day. im doomed! bloody leeches ah but what can i do? nothing? sound bloody fantastic i think. found an awesome tshirt today aswell that i must order, not many will get it but it has an arrow pointing left and it says uke! i thought it was fucking great and another one was 'yaoi-my anti drug', you've got to love the people who come up with these things aye..

TTFN*mock salute*
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Balance

i've never really thought that life was easy, you had to fight in order to survive and in todays society that means working. i could dive into a forty plus hour a week job and not complain, because as far as i knew it was survival. but when it comes to survival of any other kind i feel myself struggling to over come it. throw me something, anything, will i take it on the chin? or will i let it hit me below the belt? i can answer that, sometimes, for those who do not know, but there are some of you who can answer that question on your own. you know me to well... it is usually these people who try to test the limit, they know better yet they choose the other path, because they know it hurts. maybe im just weak, i wouldn't know, i dont see myself how others see me. i can say that everyone has a limit to the pain they can endure, i know that i haven't reached mine but that doesn't mean to say i havnt seen it. enduring your suffering can either make you stronger or it can ware you down, i just haven't figured out which yet...
balance is the middle ground, with out it there is only chaos.

TTFN*mock salute*
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Jester

IM BACK! first time ive been happy in ages aye! i found my jester and she stuck for quite a while today...im happy.

TTFN*mock salute*
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Meep

My AMV all MINE!

Fuck?

I have had a constant head ache all day, the kind that subtly puts pressure on your brain and feels like your heart is thumping in you head. So anyway today was pretty much one big fuck up, a little bit of fighting and a little bit of yelling, drew some chibis in art hist and then locked myself in my room. yay...For fake sake what have i got to whine about? my life should be a breeze to most people. fuck i need to toughen up. i just want to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment, god damn me and my stupid fanfiction!!! so anyways...

TTFN*mock salute*
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Fight

...Everyone is slamming doors and yelling at each other, my nana is even swearing, my aunty has run out the door...lucky dads not home to start swearing about the windows breaking with all the door banging. well our house is cheerful this morning.

TTFN*mock salute*
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Signs

woke up crying last night...twice...it isn't a good sign...

TTFN*mock salute*
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Um... Pet?

well im going through my pet name phase not that anyone needed to know that... Bunny, Dragon, Funny Black Guy... Its a sign that the insanity is getting worse and im really starting to loose it, and in the process i appear to be driving everyone else crazy because they all HATE ME FOR IT! Hmm i need to go find some of nanas sleeping pills and like NEVER wake up, - i've heard that they are strong enough to put an elephant off lol,- its kind of hard to believe that i would require sleeping pills as i have been so tired lately that i should fall over sleeping, but sadly that is not the case as my mind is working at a mile a minute at the moment so even when i want to sleep, I CANT! aside from that...um we will just skip that line of thought...instead we shall quote a line by Jacques Prevert, 'Millions and millions of years would still not give me half enough time to describe that tiny instant of all eternity when you put your arms around me and I put my arms around you.'...if i truly did believe in them then i would believe that it would take a life time to explain a feeling...

TTFN*mock salute*
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Convo

Just thought i should clear somethings up...

“It kind of took me till now to realize that I gave my heart away a long time ago with out realizing, and I never got it back, at least not all of it. So anyway its one of these people who kept bugging me for however long, I cant remember, I tried so fucking hard to keep them at a distance that at some point they got too close. They became forever and without thinking I gave them my heart.” - Are the same person and its Cody. It took me so long to realize is because we’ve been like on and off joined at the hip for so long that when I got together with Daniel and did the on off thing again to find out he moved on it kind of hit me on the head. I really took things for granted I guess it’s my own fault

- U see now that’s not true... its not ur fault

Yea it is... you would have to know the whole history to understand and I cant be bothered typing it out lol, I might tell you the whole story tomorrow

- Ok... but I still don’t think its ur fault

Meh... me and Cody met about 2-3 years ago via a friend of his that gave him my number, and we hit it off like that, same interests and I found it really easy to talk to him, kinda like you I guess, if I closed up he would keep at me and get me to open up until it because so natural to talk to him I didn’t think twice about what I said because I no longer cared and neither did he, we got together the first time a couple of months after we first met and were an official couple for all of about a month before my mate decided that they really didn’t like him and the pressure go to me and we wound up separating, remaining friends but I clamed up again and wound up trying to shut him out, and so began the on and off again stages, we would be ok for a while then I wouldn’t want to say something so he would get shitty and push and pry and I would get upset and angry and be a big bitchy and then we wouldn’t talk for a coup[le of days then we would be ok again and the cycle continues. it prob sounds horrible but I enjoyed all of the time I spent with him even the bad times, and we were pretty ok and getting better until I hooked up with Daniel and we completely stopped talking for almost three months. it was like the biggest relief to talk to him again but it really hurt to learn that he had moved on...I never told him I loved him because I never really believed in it but he always told me he loved me and I guess that hit something in me so when I learnt he had another girl it kind of hurt but I couldn’t really expect him to wait forever so I guess im still kinda happy for him. meh so there you have it.

TTFN*mock salute*
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Bunny?

Hello my lovely bunnies how are you this fine morn-evening? I am officially on the equivalent of a drug induced high, -no its not what you think, i dont do drugs in any way shape or form,- i am so sleep deprived that im running on brain power at the moment which is a bloody miracle as i have had NO COFFEE IN THE LAST WEEK! Although it is beginning to wear me down, i almost cried in class today, can you believe that? but please do keep in mind i said ALMOST! so anyway my eyes are trying to glue themselves shut, my cat has her ass in my face and im trying to get through the next two weeks of school to hand in three projects, oh the joy. so how are my bunnies lives at present? good? bad? ok then have fun, and dont do anything i wouldn't do. AHAHAHAHAHAHA IM WRITING IN MY BLOG! god im an idiot x2...i need coffee...the cat has taken over my bed, i guess im sleeping on the couch tonight. I need a job too...note to self... i think i need to start carrying around a journal, diary-thing too because this emotional crap is getting to me, before you know it ill be back with a councilor discussing my 'anger' issues, because i will once again be taking it out on myself or some 'poor' teacher...need coffee... it appears i spout some random stuff with lack of sleep. meh soo... fuck it im off i cant think straight...

TTFN*mock salute*
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BAKA!

I think i have officially been dubbed the biggest idiot on all of the earth, just when i think im getting somewhere by having my blog open to the public i make it a private web address so that i am once again solving my own problems... but for what i am about to say i can not risk others seeing as it may wind up hurting a lot of people, who am i kidding, it will wind up hurting a lot of people. HAHA half way though writing this i have been convinced to edit the settings so that it is still viewable to certain people, though that doesn't change the fact that word can indeed travel by mouth and in this case it is indeed possible to reach the ears of people who i dont want to know what im thinking. Two people who are great to me in every possible way but i can never fulfill their desires... it kind of took me till now to realize that i gave my heart away a long time ago with out realizing, and i never got it back, at least not all of it, and so i cant make either of these people happy even if i wanted to. i tried to go through life without showing emotion, without getting attached because it might possibly mean that i might loose them and get hurt again, just like i did with stephen, my dad, and in doing so i put myself in the exact position to hurt myself. i tried so hard to keep people away but there are some that wont leave me alone or i let slip through the barriers because i think, 'you know maybe this time it will be different because i dont want to be an ice queen forever.' Those who i let through i wind up keeping the distance because i can control them or what happens in any situation and in the end i cant handle it so i push them further away, but those who wont go away continue to push at me until i unwillingly let them through the barrier, and there it is that they stay, forever. so anyway its one of these people who kept bugging me for however long, i cant remember, i tried so fucking hard to keep them at a distance that at some point they got too close. they became forever and without thinking i gave them my heart. god i am sounding so fucking cliche right now i want to go torch myself! you know the stupid little amv with the song talking about love and how i mentioned that it meant something to me... it means quite literally that i have lost my heart to the one person i didn't want to give it to and have in turn lost them forever. whats funny is that i never realized what i had until i lost it, another cliche they just dont seem to stop coming, and now its too late.

the likelihood that i will blog again is slim to none as i am about to lock myself up so tight that nothing shall slip my guard, as i once wanted it before this whole fiasco began.

*mock bow*
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DAILY PLANNER

*shifty eyes* ... im not sure if i should be bouncing right now or not, on the one hand im single again, and on the other i feel like ive had my heart ripped out and handed to me on a side platter. though the stupid thing is, is that i cant remember where my heart went in the first place...HAHA im going mental, i never had a heart to begin with! meh oh well moving on to other things... life, sucks. i have officially decided that i need to spend more of my time on a set schedule so look out life, alice is back-WITH A DAILY PLANNER!

TTFN*mock salute*
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Dumper...

ive done it and i have never felt so horrible in my entire life...

TTFN*mock salute*
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Emotion

i think frustration is my most common emotion at the moment, -haha there is that word again, i actually got called an emo today as ive been on emotional roller-coaster for the past couple of days.- so why frustration? i have always been the person who solves the problems people present me with and i enjoy helping out in any way i can, -i live to please people what can i say?- but once again i have worked myself into a situation blindly, and it appears to be one i can not solve. i have never really dealt with relationships well as it requires trust, -i dont trust anyone,- and i find myself in a position that i want to get out of once again because i am required to do so. it is because of this that i am beginning to hurt a lot of people... i want to end the relationship in order to solve the strain that it is putting on me and to stop inflicting pain on at least one person, yet in order to do so i am required to confront this person, and i am really not comfortable with that. -by the way i happened to go off my nut about this person when i was going through my angry mode, and i would really like to apologize for that, this person really isn't a prick, i just dont tend to deal with things really well.- so its kind of having a domino effect, i get upset because i cant fulfill the requirements of a functional relationship which in turn puts strain on the other party and those on the side lines which in turn makes someone what to kill everyone in my honor. aside from that i have a few other people that i need to take into consideration as the separation will have an effect on them, two people that are really great but i can not follow through with what they ask of me as it will create an even greater domino effect but i wont elaborate on that.

so now can you understand why im frustrated? im like a walking disaster.

TTFN*mock salute*
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Owen

i suppose i never really understood the concept of emotions except for those i was familiar with, AKA fear and suffering, you know i was seven when my dad died and i didn't cry until when everyone was stufing their faces at the after gathering and i was in my room. I understood the concept of death, i still do, but i refused to show weakness even when everyone else did, haha imagine that a seven year old who doesn't cry at seeing her fathers corpse...not a thought that comes to mind really. After that i went through life normally never thinking about it, i was minus one family member, who really cares? i had a step dad since i was two so i didnt understand the concept of a single parent, just the idea of more family. i think it was about a year after my fathers death that his family abandoned me, i guess they didnt want a bastard grandchild and niece when their son and brother was gone, and i can live with that, really, i can understand the idea of having something when it reminds you of what you have lost. even if its about that, i wouldn't know. i think it took me untill i was ten to realize that i wasn't wanted anymore by those i loved most, and i think it was about then that the emotion no longer existed for me as as well. i began to resent those who left me and every year on my birthday, christmas, and the anniversary of my fathers death i would cry for what was out of my grasp. at about 14 i started to receive mail and i was so overwhelmed about it i tried contacting my grand parents, no reply, and then i found out that im only getting these letters because my mum contacted one of my aunts and told them to do it. i have to keep myself from burning the cards every year, i dont care anymore but why should i keep something that isn't sincere?

i may not have cried for my father but that doesn't mean that he didnt mean anything to me because he did, he was everything...i may not care about my current situation but that doesn't mean to say that it isn't hard. I have grown up and come to terms with that small part of my past. now i cry for what i have lost.

AN-Please note that none of this should be taken into accout seriously. i needed a moment to blerb and this is where i found myself.-

TTFN*mock salute*
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Feel

I found this on one of my mates bebo profiles and thought it was awesome...i love this song and for some reason i find myself wanting to cry everytime i listen to it, yet i have no idea what it is, or rather who its is, that i am yearning for. anyway i thought it was a simple but well made flash that i would like to share. lol im starting to sound so cliche its not really that funny, but i guess when you have isolated yourself for so long you tend to seek for things you dont understand...

TTFN*mock salute*
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How to Cope

k then lets see...I want to tare my hair out and scream for all its worth, im seriously not coping here. Ok well my mind might be because its spouting soothing bullshit that allows me to make things seem ok I suppose, (HAHAHA clue people this is my new phrase I use to subtly say NO IM NOT ALRIGHT!) haha and what’s worse I just realized that my boyfriend is a royal fucking prick who doesn’t listen to me and just wants to get into my pants, -but we never spend any time together, *que time alone* Alice can I ask for a favour. - NO! Alright get a clue I don’t want to suck your god damned dick, although I would like to go to sleep and never wake up, but can I do that? Nooo! So anyway lets go through all who affect my life in order of those who annoy me the most.

1. Fucking prick lets not talk about him right now.

2. K they are a great person to have an argument with, when they are on your side, but other then that its like going head to head with a dragon and I only just realized this. I think it maybe due to the fact that they always clash with number one on a regular bases, and they say that opposites don’t attract. I swear to god though, im sick and so fucking tyred of listening to them ramble on about who they hate now and why, for fucks sake get a life as not everyone like to have horrible things so bluntly pointed out to them.

3. Back stabber anyone? This person is a truly great person, when you’re with the rest of the group, but when you get them on their own they really are two faced. It probably doesn’t help that they are bi and likes to weird everyone out with comments. Deep down they really are just searching for companionship.

4. This person likes to make my life really complicated at the moment but we shall keep this information for another time shall we? Can’t risk a confrontation.

5. And 6. Are non-existent at the moment, as they have completely abandoned me! One is ditching me for Auckland where the other has emersed themself in drugs. God that’s going to be a big problem to come to terms with and fix. Friends forever what bull shit...

7. This person is a nutty tart and I don’t really have a lot to say except that im glad to have met them, they are a great laugh.

8. Can you say old flame? I'm so happy that I’ve managed to pull my head out of my ass in order to talk to them again. I missed them heaps and now that I have their voice of reason back im happier then I’ve been in a while. Their protectiveness of me is a comfort and I truly welcome it like a drug...note to self must be careful as all areas are off limits!

9. Final person, what can I say but one word. SAVIOUR! LOVE YOU LOTS...-im here for you too! -

AN-Only certain people should take into account what is written here.

Top of the List

You know that feeling you get, the tingling sensation in the nose and behind the eyes, when you’ve met someone who suddenly goes straight to the top of your number one person in the world list because your just so thankful that they’re there that you want to cry. Well ive been getting that a lot lately as ive just become associated with quite literally the greatest person in the world. i find myself going off on tangents about everything in my slightly fucked up life, without ever considering the consequences of what exactly it is that is coming out of my mouth-or rather my mind- and I truly love them for listening. I mean ive got my friends of several years that I tell a lot to, but they never take the time to listen and always come out with bitchy comments based on weather they like something or not, so I find myself saying less and less. This person listens and give the most valuable opinions I have come across, while immediately jumping to defend my honour the second I feel uncomfortable about something, which I am so very thankful for. So if your reading this thank you. Yet also at the same time I find myself feeling guilty as there are many more things happening in this persons life then I could ever imagine, I may not have the physical or emotional strength to fight for them and for this I feel lost as I cannot give my own useful advice or even defend them in their own struggles. I desire to help but I find myself unable to keep up in order to do so, and I fear the ear and shoulder I have to offer is not enough.

TTFN*mock salute*
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